ikeepitreal

Welcome to the Super Bowl eXtra Large offense and coaching breakdown. In which you will get entirely too much football breakdown by a guy who's only year of football he has ever played was as a 6th grader against 4th graders (it was a age and weight formula and I weighed 60 pounds). Disturbingly, Sam's car seat goes up to 60 pounds. Anyhoo -- on to the matchups.

Coaches: Push

We all know Bill Cowher leads the league in "times spitting on passerby" and "close talking in a homoerotic way", but he is 2nd in a very important category -- "disgusting huge mustache". Nobody will ever top Mike Holmgren in this category. Beside that, I'll give Holmgren the edge in preparation for the game (especially getting the team ready), and Cowher the edge in game management.

Quarterbacks: Push

I really want to give Matt Hasselbeck (yes, he earned the promotion from Hasselhoff) the love here, but I can't. Both of these guys are too equal. Big Ben has the stronger arm, and Matt has more touch. Ben makes better scrambling decisons, Matt makes better audibles. Ben has the ridiculous beard, Matt has the shiny bald head. You see what I mean?

Running Backs: Seattle

If this were just a tailback comparison, it might be a push. Bettis and Parker are that good of a duo. But if we talk about the whole backfield? Seattle has the league all-pro TB (and MVP) and the all-pro fullback (Mack Strong). I don't see how a rational analysis could give this to the Steelers.

Wide Receivers: Pittsburgh

Now this is saying something. I think Hines Ward himself makes up for the advantage Seattle has in their depth. Ward is great. He is better than Jackson. Randle El/Engram is probably a Pittsburgh lean, and 'Jed' Jurevicious is better than Cedric Wilson Phillips Screwdriver. Going with the Stillers in a lean here.

Tight End: Pittsburgh

Heath Miller is a stud. Listen -- Jerramy Stevens has had a great year, but Miller is a freak. I do like Stevens' Osama bin Laden beard though. Great decision for someone who has been in jail twice. Go with the terrorist goatee.

Offensive Line: Seattle

Another matchup of great players (they all seem like this so far). Both teams got amazing OL play this year, but Seattle's is clearly the best in the league. I heard Len Pasquarelli on the radio saying that Walter Jones and Steve Hutchinson might be the best Tackle/Guard pair to ever play in the NFL. Guard Alan Faneca of the Steelers is also an All-Pro with Jones and Hutchinson, but I just don't know how you top the greatest left side ever. If it's any consolation Pittsburgh -- you guys are good too. Really... please don't sit on me you crazy Brobdignagians.

Next time: the defenses.

Posted by Mike at 07:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It's time for me to come out of hiding and weigh in on the improbable. The Seahawks -- yes, the Seattle Seahawks are going to the Super Bowl.

We've had friends over to watch just about every game this year (that's a lot of chili and root beer) and I have to say... it has been quite a ride. As a long time Seattle sports fan, I am not quite sure how to feel. Watching the team go on an 11 game winning streak -- really closer to 13 --, not being terribly concerned about the recent playoff matchups, and having a good feeling about your team's chances to win every single game are not known emotions to me.

Let me see if I can set this up better. If you read this blog, you probably know that I may be cynical, but I'm an optimist. Every time I attempt to rationally preview a Seattle team, I hope for the best. I put in writing what I think is going to happen -- great things! I believe that. Only I really don't. I know deep down that a Seattle team may overachieve, it may underachieve, but even if it sucks me in (and it will), IT WILL EVENTUALLY LET ME DOWN. History has shown me that, but I will not be defeated by it. Today is my day to shine, and I will not let the other local naysayers (my father-in-law and brother-in-law mostly) bring me down to their pessimistic level.

So, on to the game. Much has been (and will be) written about the differing roads these two teams took to the Super Bowl. I don't think this point has been made yet though:

- The Steelers played in "the dominant AFC" and had to beat the #3, #1, and #2 seeds (on the road) to get to the big game, where they will face another #1 seed. No team has ever had a harder road, numerologically.

- The Seahawks played in "the weak NFC" and had to beat the #6 and #5 seeds (at home) to get to Detroit, where they will face a #6 seed. No team has ever had an easier road, numerologically.

What does that tell us? For one thing, Pittsburgh is not a normal #6 seed. The AFC was really deep this year, and the Stillers have shown they can play with anyone. For another, it tells us that Seattle *may not* be a dominant team that is capable of playing with the best of the best. I say *may not* because although many are willing to write off the Hawks because of a weak schedule, this doesn't prove they are not capable. It just proves that we don't quite know. They passed all the tests. It's like giving a high school student a 3rd grade reading test, then when she nails it, saying "her reading level is 3rd grade". No. Her reading level is at least 3rd grade. Let's see how she does with a better test. Maybe that's not a perfect analogy, because I believe the Redskins and Panthers were the 2nd and 3rd best teams in the NFC at the end of the year, but you know what I mean.

Another thing the numbers above tell us is it is quite possible the Seahawks will win the Super Bowl and become the only SB winning team to still play the "no respect" card. Mark my words -- if Seattle wins this game, something will eventually be written about how easy the road was for them and how everything broke just right. This will drive the Seattle sports fan base (and our inferiority complex) completely batty.

Who's going to win? Well... of course I believe the Hawks are going to win. I'll tell you why in boring excrutiating detail over the next week or so. In reality the Vegas line (Steelers by 3 1/2) is probably about right... those guys are rarely wrong, and public perception isn't that skewed in favor of the Steelers to push the line far. If the Seahawks are going to win, they'll have to do it against a 'better' team. Vegas just isn't wrong often.

Oh, and P.S. -- Come Feburary 5th the field of Ford will run crimson with the blood of the steel workers from the Iron City. Our feisty blue jackals will bludgeon them with teriffic WR stiff-arms and sit on their bearded quarterback with a ferocity unseen since the days of... well, since sitting on bearded men in a fierce way was more commonplace. The Foster bobblehead collection of power will nod their heads in agreement as we toast the the Seattle Seahawks and proclaim them the greatest team in the land! (Oh dear, I hope it's not Terry Bradshaw in the trophy ceremony again).

Posted by Mike at 05:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

What time is it? It's time to GET ILL! What time is it?...

Actually, no -- I don't believe I get ill. Not that I even know what that is. But I do know another answer to the question above. It's midseason replacement time at the TV networks! If that doesn't light your fire, well -- you probably have more of a life than me.

You know what midseason replacement time means around here, though. It means you'll be treated to one of my bi-annual or so TV reviews. So sit back and enjoy the ride.

Love Monkey vs. 4 Kings

Dramatically, 2 new comedys come storming out of the gate that hope to fill a niche in the male demographic -- the buddy show. Both of these shows are sort of a mesh of Friends and Sex in the City with a male perspective. Sounds terrible, right? Well -- yes. And no.

It's amazing how much these two shows have in common:

- 4 buddies hanging out in NYC
- One of them is obsessed with music
- One of them is too committed for the rest to handle
- One of them is a short guy trying to compensate

And where they differ:

Love Monkey tries to be Jerry Maguire for music. Guy (Tom Cavanaugh -- from Ed) loves music and his record exec. job. Guy gives inspiring speech about how it's not about the money. Guy gets fired and heads off to do his own thing. Guy has way too many annoying voice-overs. Unfortunately, there's no Cameron Crowe here to point the ship the right direction.

4 Kings tries to be funny. That's all. It seems pretty real -- 4 guys who have always been buddies share an apartment and rip on each other constantly. Seth Green (one of my short guy idols) is not the lead, but steals the show as the music junkie who can't score.

Case in point: Love Monkey attempts to portray Tom's yupster character as a music snob with a great ear. But he sits around dissing acts like Sting (what?) and Hanson (too obvious) while he dates the lead singer from a terrible band and tries to sign a poor man's John Mayer. On 4 Kings, Seth Green's character Barry gets invited to a show by another music geek and it's The Arcade Fire. A perfect example of writers that get it as opposed to writers that read 'Spin' and think that makes them hip.

Another: Male bonding. The guys on 4 Kings play a game called "chest". I just about fell out of my chair when I saw this, because me and my high school buddies invented a game called "chest" this summer. Creepy, right down to the references to a game of strategy, skill, etc. Luckily, the details aren't the same or else I might think they are channeling the greater Boise High School subconsious. (I'm intrigued by this collective subconsious you speak of). Our version of "chest" involves running full speed at someone's outstretched fists. You try to knock them backwards by hitting their fists with your chest. If you do -- it's a "chest-mate". On the show, "chest" is just a cheap-shot game where you sneak up behind your friend an punch them in the chest. Truthfully, I've never seen anything on tv closer to real-life male bonding than this running joke. In contrast, Love Monkey's answer for male bonding is talking about why marriage is good for a guy or not. What?!? Guys don't sit around at a bar talking about crap like that.

In closing (wait a sec, what is this -- my college entrance exam? IN CLOSING?), here are some lessons learned:

- Jason Priestly (short guy on Love Monkey) will never be anything but Brandon Walsh.

- Seth Green is *always* funny.

- Don't try to be cutting-edge hip and wear a fedora. Especially if you are Canadian.

- 4 Kings is now on my short list of comedies to watch weekly (with The Office and Scrubs).

Posted by Mike at 10:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

- Do you ever wake up in such an odd position that you think there must be some giant child out there contorting your comatose body like a gumby doll? It may be because I was fighting for bed real estate with a 10 month old, but this morning I woke up in such a fruity position, I made the guy from the Scissor Sisters look like Tony Montana.

- The Seahawks are bringing the NFC championship game to Qwest field next weekend! If you had told me yesterday that they would have had 3 turnovers and lost Alexander for the game early, I would have given them no chance (after I curled up in a ball and sobbed like Sally Field). But the defense and Matt Hasselhoff stepped up. Once again, I believe in a Seattle sports team. And that is a dangerous thing.

- Wierd culture shock last night. We got a 'real' (non-family) babysitter for the first time. I went to pick her up, left her with Sam, and we went to Ballard to a house party where old college friends were drinking beer from a keg. That was fun. To be fair, there was some Brie involved, so it wasn't a total old-school rager. At 9:30(!) we checked out, rolled back over I-90, and back into the suburban world of strip malls and Leapfrog baby toys. I think there is a portal somewhere in the middle of Lake Washington back to my old life. Stranger yet, I'm not sure I would want to dive back in.

- One week down at the new job. I had so much to learn that by Friday afternoon I was so exhausted that I felt like that Bud Light Daredevil commercial where he is sweating bullets staying until 5:02 on a Friday. For the record, I made it to 5:03.

- What do you think the odds are you could have gotten against "LL Cool J and Queen Latifah will star in a feel-good romantic comedy together" back in 1991?

- 200 more comment spams this week. There has to be a better Movable Type plugin than the one I'm using. On the bright side, it looks like Anna Kournikova loves the site.

Posted by Mike at 08:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Friends and readers -- After the long break and the painful process of getting up on the proverbial horse again, I have accepted a Program Manager position with Expedia.com. I start tomorrow. And this will probably be the last time I write about my job, because we know what happens to people who blog about their work.

I'm pretty excited to be working on consumer software and to get some domain expertise in the travel business. What I'm not excited about is people singing the "DOT COM" jingle after I tell them I work at Expedia. Anyhoo, if you have any ideas how to make the site better or online travel better in general, I'd love to hear them (and pass them off as my own) .

Wish me luck, I always do something stupid my first week at a new job.

Posted by Mike at 05:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

We spent a couple of weeks in ID over Christmas and got to catch up with some of my high school buddies. As I've mentioned before, the crowd I ran with were the 'semi-geeks'. Smart and dorky, cool enough to get invited to a few parties, but not a whole lot of success with the ladies. Being with those guys now and hanging out downtown reminded me of some of the old stories. Here is one of them.

Note: The names, locations and SAT scores have been changed to protect the perpetually awkward.

To set the Scene: 'The Cruise' strip in downtown Boise is a 5 block by 2 block area downtown. We always thought we were too good for it because that's where the white trash and rural out-of-towners hung out. In contrast, we usually spent evenings playing foosball, arguing or playing trivia to prove our intelligence, and discussing whether Frederick Douglas was really the "master of the party machine in the House" as our history textbook suggested. A little different than cruising, where there were 2 goals:

1) Pick up girls

2) Pick fights with guys

Fair enough. One boring Saturday night we decided to mix it up with some ironic cruising. In truth, it wasn't totally ironic because we would all have loved to actually pick ourselves up a lady friend. But we could do without the fighting part.

We hopped in 'J-T's' Mazda pickup. 2 guys in the front, 2 in the back with yours truly crawling betwen the front and back via the sliding middle window. ('J-T' reminds me that I thought it was fun to crawl all the way thru just to ask a question). 'Even' and 'Stebe' are in the back. I think of this as chip-on-your-shoulder night. The three guys in the back were probably the shortest 3 in our graduating class and we were determined to prove that we could get some digits. Interestingly, Steve-I-mean-'Stebe' is now like 6'8" and we were the first 3 to get married. Take that women of Boise High School (not that I'm bitter).

With the little guys in the back, we were off. We cruised around a few times. Saw some lovely ladies and avoided eye contact with the guys. So far, so good. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a old grey sedan with 2 girls around our age in the front. And better yet, 3 seats open in the back! I think to myself, 'is this how it works?' Should we take a ride with them? It was on.

We probably cruised around 5 more times before I finally got the nerve to talk to them. We caught up to them at a stop light, and I blurted out "Hey -- can we come ride with you?" (Sadly, this may be my finest hour when it comes to picking up the ladies)

"Um... yeah, I guess so". I don't think they were expecting to take people on a ride (maybe that's not how it works?) but they obliged. And before the light turned green Stebe, Even and I climbed in the back. Here's where it went sour. Now we actually had to talk to them for a while. Never a good sign.

We asked them where they were from (Wieser -- a rural town about an hour away). We exchanged names. To be fair, the other guys were pulling the weight here. I was pretty mute. Then disaster struck.

'Even': "How old are you guys?"

Girls: "We are Sophomores. You?"

'Stebe': "Juniors."

(Long silence -- guys racking their brains...)

'Even': "Sophomores, huh? Did you take the PSATs?"

(Now, we spent *a lot* of time discussing our own scores, so this question was not completely out of left field. But still... pretty dumb.)

Girls: "Um... yeah."

'Even': "How'd you do?"

Girls: "What?"

'Even': "What was your score?"

Girls: (I don't remember the actual score, but suffice it to say it wasn't what 'Even' was looking for. They were low enough that it would be pretty uncomfortable to tell them ours). "How about you? What did you get?"

'Stebe': "1480"

'Mike': "1410"

'Even': "1540"

Girls: "What? You did not."

'Mike': (Sheepishly at this point) "Yeah, we did."

Girls: "No way, come on. What did you really get."

'Even': "Really, we did. Here, I've got my score to prove it."

('Even' reaches into his wallet and PULLS OUT HIS PSAT SCORE.)

Ok, so there are two things wrong with this picture:

1) 'Even' CARRIED AROUND HIS PSAT SCORE.

2) HE USED IT TO PICK UP WOMEN.

I don't want to be too hard on him -- we were young, that was sort of the reality of our social circle at the time, and Lord knows I've given him enough grief about it. But it is pretty funny. 'Even' is pretty suave now. And I don't know if his wife has ever heard this story (until now ).

Anyhoo -- after the brandishing of the PSAT score, we didn't stay in their car for long. Somehow we did manage to get their phone number. And we never called. (I mean really, folks, the girls lived in Wieser).

On to the moral. Confusious say:

"If you use wallet to pick up chick, money or credit card may suffice. Maybe tender picture of puppy. But never, NEVER, pull out standardized test score."

Posted by Mike at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Happy new year everyone! It's good to be back home after an extended break. I've got a lot of things I'd like to write about, but I'm going to pace myself and try and turn them into real posts over the next week or so (i.e. be lazy right now).

The site was hit hard with comment spam while I was gone, so I just deleted about 200 of them. Good times.

In addition to my old standby resolution (hold my left hand up over my head like I'm riding a bull every time I use a public urinal), I am resolving to post written stuff on this site twice a week. And that should go well, because I've made it a record 4 days with the other resolution -- almost causing me to get a severe beat-down in a truck stop in Eastern Oregon. But that's neither here nor there. Point is, more posts, guaranteed, or your money back.

Posted by Mike at 08:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)